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What’s the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead Skunk in the middle of the road? Skid marks in front of the skunk.

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Baptist Minister walk into a bar.  The bartender looks up and says, “What’s this, some kind of a joke?”

A very rich man, on his deathbed, called his doctor, lawyer, and minister to his side. He told them “They say you can’t take it with you but I’m going to try. In each of these three bags are $500,000.00 in cash. Come visit me at the funeral home and put these bags in my casket.”  A week later, at the graveside, they discussed what happened. The preacher said “ when I thought about all the destitute people in the world I decided to donate it to charity.” The doctor said “the hospital needed a new wing, so I gave it to them.” The lawyer replied, “I’m ashamed of you both. I threw my check in for the whole amount!”

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist and the Doctor says, “What seems to be the problem?” The guy responds, “I have a hard time making friends.”  The Doctor replies, “I’ll do what I can to help you.”  The guy says “But what can a fat slob like you do for me?”

A husband told his wife “Honey, if I ever get in a vegetative state where my life is dependent on a machine and liquids, I want you to pull the plug.” So with that the wife gets up, unplugs the TV and throws out all his beer.

George was driving down the road when he saw a pig. Surprised at his find he coaxed it into his car and decided to take it to the nearest police station to ask what he should do next. The officer at the front desk thought for a moment and said, “Why don’t you take it to the zoo?”  George took his advice and left. A week later the same officer was patrolling the streets when he saw George & the pig driving down the road in a convertible, both dressed in summer attire.  The officer stopped George and asked, “I thought I told you to take the pig to the zoo?” George replied, “I did. And we had so much fun that today we’re going to the beach!”

The other day I was driving down the interstate and guess who I saw?  Magic Johnson!  He was driving in the HIV lane.

Two guys are out hunting in the woods when suddenly one drops dead. Frantic, his buddy dials 911 on his cell phone and cries “My friend’s dead, my friend’s dead! I think he had a heart attack!”  The lady on the other end of the line calmly replies “First, lets make sure that he’s really dead.” Before she could finish what she was saying she hears the phone drop and then a shot gun blast. The buddy picks up the phone and says, “Okay, now what do I do?”

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says “Hey, you’re quite the celebrity around here.  We have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper replies “You mean you have a drink named Steve?”

As the man was laying in the recovery room after major surgery, the doctor walked in as he was waking up.  The man asked, “Well Doc, how’d it go?”  The doctor said “I’ve got good news and bad news.  Which one do you want first?” The man said, “Give me the bad news first.”  Doc replied, “We realized during the operation that we needed to amputate both legs instead of just one.”  The man exclaimed, “What’s the good news?” Doc said, “The guy in the next room wants to buy your shoes.

A lady purchased a talking parrot from a pet store and was assured that he would be a good pet.  So she took him to church the following Sunday and the parrot, as he was sitting on her shoulder, exclaimed “Damn, it’s cold in here!”  Mortified, the lady took him back to the pet store and the owner told her, “The next time he does that, take him by the feet and swing him over your head.  That will cure him.”  So the next Sunday, the same scenario happens and the parrot exclaims “Damn, it’s cold in here.”  The lady does as she was instructed and swings the bird several times over her head.  The parrot straightens out his feathers and says “Damn, It’s windy too!”

The fruit that Eve first tempted Adam with was not an apple.  It was a pair.

Why is there (still) discontent between men and women?  It all started in the beginning.  When Adam first saw Eve he said “Uh!”, and she replied “Uh Uh.”

Two lawyers walked into a restaurant, sat down, and ordered drinks from the waitress.  As she left the table they reached into their briefcases and pulled out sandwiches.  When the waitress returned with their drinks she exclaimed, “You can’t eat your own food in here!”  Without saying a word the lawyers looked at each other and then switched their food.

Did you hear about the hurricane that ravaged West Virginia?  It did 60 million dollars worth of improvements.

What’s the difference between West Virginia and yogurt?  Yogurt has culture.

A man tried to enter an exclusive club and was told that he could not come in without a tie.  After rummaging through his car all he could find was a set of jumper cables to put around his neck.  As he attempted to re-enter the bar the doorman said, “I’ll let you in but don’t try to start anything!”

A blonde went into a shoe store in New Orleans asking for alligator shoes. When told they were $200.00 she replied, “That’s outrageous! I’m not paying that.” After getting the same price from other stores, she decided to get them herself. Later that day a state trooper was driving by the bayou when he saw the blonde, waist deep, in the swamp with a shot gun in her hands. He noticed that there were already three dead alligators on the bank. He also noticed that a large alligator was swimming toward her. She took careful aim and shot it. She drug it over to the bank, turned it over and exclaimed “ Dog gone it! This one’s not wearing shoes, either!”

What’s the difference between a smart blonde and Big Foot? There’s been more sightings of Big Foot.

Remember Henny Youngman (Take my wife, please…)? He also said, “ Bigamy is having one wife too many. So is monogamy.”

A snail was crossing the road one day and got run over by a turtle. When the police showed up to find out what had occurred the startled snail replied “I don’t know officer. Everything happened so fast!”

What did the snail say that was riding on the turtle’s back? “Whee !!!”

Rodney Dangerfield (I don’t’t get no respect!) went to see his doctor. The doctor told him he was crazy. He told the doctor, "if you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." The doctor replied, "Okay, you're ugly too!"

More from Rodney Dangerfield (I don’t get no respect!) Rodney said when he was a child his mother told him not to take candy from a stranger unless he was offered a ride. One day he asked his mother if he could go outside and play on the frozen lake. She said “Not now son. Wait till it gets warmer.”

Sam asked his wife "Honey, if anything ever happened to me, would you re-marry?" His wife replied, "Well, I guess so. You wouldn't want me to be alone, would you?" Her husband said, "No, but would you let him sleep in our new bed? Would you let him drive my new car?" She said "We just bought those things. We shouldn't let them go to waste, so yes." "Well how about my brand new custom made golf clubs? Would you let him use them too?" "Oh no," she replied. "He's left handed!"

A man was driving down the highway when he saw flashing lights in his rear view mirror. After he pulled over a State Trooper came up to his window and said "Sir, do you realize that you left your wife at the Rest Area 20 miles back?" The man replied "Oh thank God! I thought I was going deaf!"

Remembering the philosophical question "If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?" begs the question "If a man speaks in the woods and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"

Remember John Wayne Bobbitt, the guy who's wife decided to remove an appendage while he was sleeping? Well he's finally changed his name. He now calls himself 'Les Johnson.' His favorite pick-up line is "Hey, wanna go out with me? I'm un-attached!"

A young man is walking past a park bench and sees an old man crying. He said "Sir, what's wrong?" The man replies, between sobs, "I'm so sad. I have a beautiful young wife at home. She loves me and takes care of me. She does anything I want. We have a wonderful house in a very nice neighborhood." Confused, the young man asks "Sir, if you have all this, then why are you sad?" The old man answers, "I can't remember where I live!"

Mabel lived in an old house on the riverbank. One spring there was an unusually large amount of rain and the river started rising. As the water rose to the first floor a neighbor came by in a row boat and asked her to get on board. She replied "No thanks. The Lord is going to save me." Later the water had risen to the second floor and another neighbor came by in a motor boat. She declined that offer and replied "The Lord is going to save me." Still later Mable finds herself on the roof of the house and a helicopter hovers over her house. Waving the helicopter off she shouts "The Lord is going to save me!" Not much later the water's over the house and Mabel drowns. As she meets her maker she asks "What happened? I thought you were going to save me?" The Lord replies "What more did you want? I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"

As she's getting out of the shower, a lady hears the doorbell ring, grabs a towel and peeks out the window. It turns out to be her neighbor Joe. She answers the door in her towel and Joe says "Hey Nancy, we've been friends for a long time. How about a peek? I'll give you a $100 dollars!" Nancy thinks to herself 'I've known Joe a long time, he's harmless, and we sure could use the money.' So Nancy opens the towel for a few seconds and Joe gives her a $100 bill. Then he asks, "How about just dropping the towel for a minute? I'll give you another $100." Again Nancy obliges and receives another $100. Later that night Nancy's husband comes home from work and Nancy says, "Hey honey, guess who stopped by today? Joe, our neighbor." Her husband replies, "That's nice. Did he bring me the $200 he owes me?"

This string walks into a bar and the bartender says "we don't serve strings here." So the string walks outside, puts her hair in a bow, teases it, and walks back in. The bartender asks, "aren't you the string I just threw out a couple of minutes ago?" She replied "I'm a frayed knot."

Three guys were stranded on a deserted island. After months of hoping to be rescued they came upon a bottle on the beach and rubbed it. Out came a genie who gave them each one wish. The first guy said, "Oh that's easy. I miss my wife and kids and I want to go home." Poof, he was gone. The second guy said "That's easy too. I miss my friends and my job." Poof, he was gone. The third guy pondered for a minute and said "Before I was stranded on this island I had no friends, but I really got close to those guys. I wish they were back!"

A woman was listening to the news and heard that someone was driving down the interstate in the wrong direction. Concerned because she knew her husband was on his way home, she called him on his cell phone. "Honey, I want you to be careful. I just heard that there's someone driving down the interstate in the wrong direction." He exclaimed "One?, there are hundreds!"

Roy was turning 90 so on the big day his friends decided to play a gag on him. They hired a prostitute to go to his house. Roy answers the door and there before him is a beautiful young women. He asked " What cha here fer, honey?" As she begins to unbutton her blouse, she replies "SU-PER SEX!"
Roy said, "I'll take the soup!"

Fred was an avid golfer. Every free moment he had he spent on the links. He was kind of religious so he went to a spiritual medium one day to find out if there were any golf courses in heaven. The medium went in to a trance for many minutes and then spoke. She said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?" He said "Give me the good news first." She replied "There are hundreds of golf courses in heaven and they are all magnificent!" He said "Then what's the bad news?"
She said "You tee off next Thursday at one o' clock." Speaking of spiritual mediums, what do you call a midget psychic who's just committed a crime?
A small medium at large.

George was walking along a beach in California one day, picked up a bottle and found a Genie. The Genie gave him one wish. George said "That's easy. I've always been afraid of flying and I've always wanted to go to Hawaii. Build me a bridge to Hawaii." The Genie replied "That's crazy! Do you know how many thousands of miles it is to Hawaii?! Do you know how deep the ocean is and how big the columns of concrete would need to be to reach the ocean bottom?! No way! Give me something easier." So George thought for a few moments. He said "Well, I'm getting married in a few months and I really love my fiance but I can't figure her out. Can you give me a better understanding of women?" The Genie quickly replied "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Fred was golfing by himself one day when he hit his ball in a field of buttercups. He thought to himself "these buttercups are so pretty I need to be carefull when picking up my ball." So he took off his shoes and socks, gingerly walked to his ball, picked it up and walked carefully back to the fareway. As he was putting his shoes and socks back on Mother Nature suddenly appeared. "Oh my son, I'm so proud of you! You hit your ball in my field of buttercups and you didn't step on a single one! For that, I'm going to give you a whole year's supply of butter!" Fred replied, somewhat sarcastically, "Well that's great. But where were you last week when I hit my ball in the pussy-willows?!!!

Clem & Harley were two good 'ole country boys from West Virginia. One day Harley says, "hey, guess what Clem? I got me one of them thar puzzles from K-Mart and I put it together in two weeks!" Clem replies "Two weeks, is that good?" Harley exclaims "Yeah. It says 2 to 4 years on the box!!!

George was getting on his buddies' nerves. No matter where they were or what happened, he'd always say "Well, it coulda been worse." So his buddies got together and decided to make up a story that was so terrible there would be no way he could say that. The next day George was at the bar and Joe came up to him and said "Hey George, did you hear what happened to Frank last night?" George said no and Joe continued. "Poor ole Frank came home from work early, caught his wife in bed with another man, got out his gun and shot them both and then shot himself." George replied, "Well, it coulda been worse." Joe screamed back "How can you say that?" George said,"If it had been the night before, it woulda been me!"

Sam was a die-hard golfer. For over 20 years he played with his friends every Sunday. He left the house at 12:00 and was always home by 6:00. One Sunday 6 o'clock rolls around and he's not home. 6:30, 7:00 comes and he's still not home. Finally at 8:00 he comes draggin' in the door. His wife was really upset. She said "Sam, where in the world have you been?" He said, "Honey you remember Joe, the guy I've been playing with for 20 years? Well, poor ole Joe had a heart attack and dropped dead on the 12th hole today." She said, "My God, that's terrible!" He said, "You're telling me? After that it was Hit the ball, drag Joe. Hit the ball, drag Joe."

A middle aged man was getting a physical and, after receiving a good bill of health asked, "Hey Doc, will I live to be a hundred?" The Doc said, "Let me ask you a few questions. Do you gamble? No. Do you drive fast cars and chase wild women? No. Do you go to wild parties and drink alot? No. Then why do you want to live to be a hundred?"

Papa mole, Momma mole, and Baby mole were all in their hole. Papa mole wakes up and sticks his head out of the hole and says "Mmm, I smell honey." Mama mole sticks her head out of the hole and says, "I smell maple syrup." Baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole but there's no room. He proclaims "All I smell is mole-asses!"

Two brothers lived in a small town and had a terrible reputation. One day one of the brothers died suddenly. The surviving brother went to the local minister and asked him to do the eulogy, asking that he proclaim his brother to be a saint. When the minister refused, the brother told him he would donate a thousand dollars to the church. After some thought, the minister agreed. At the eulogy, the minister said "Everyone knew that ole George was a liar, a thief, and a drunk. But compared to his brother, he was a saint!"

During their long running feud, Lady Astor remarked to Winston Churchill at a dinner party one night "Winston, if you were my husband I would poison your tea." Winston replied, "Madame, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."

Lady Astor, the first woman elected to the British Parliament, detested Winston Churchill and frequently had words with him. One day she ran into Sir Winston in the hallway after he had had his daily libations. She said "Winston, you're drunk." To which he replied "Nancy, you're ugly. But tomorrow morning I shall be sober."