Did you hear about the cat that got a new cell phone? He called his friend and said' "Can you hear meow?"

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

"When I die I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandfather did. Not like all the passengers in his car who were screaming." Author unknown.

"Let's say you were an idiot. Then let's say you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." Mark Twain

A woman walks into a General Store in a small town. The proprietor tells her, " We've got a special today on Beef tongue." She replies "That's disgusting! I would never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth. But I will take a dozen eggs."

"Being the designated driver is not fun, but if you ever get sucked into it have fun with it. Drop them off at the wrong house." Jeff Foxworthy