A woman walks into a General Store in a small town. The proprietor tells her, " We've got a special today on Beef tongue." She replies "That's disgusting! I would never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth. But I will take a dozen eggs."

"I'm on a diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. It's a good diet. I've lost ten pounds and my driver's license." Larry the Cable Guy

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist and the Doctor says, "What seems to be the problem?" The guy responds, "I have a hard time making friends." The Doctor replies, "I'll do what I can to help you." The guy says "But what can a fat slob like you do for me?"

A husband told his wife "Honey, if I ever get in a vegetative state where my life is dependent on a machine and liquids, I want you to pull the plug." So with that the wife gets up, unplugs the TV and throws out all his beer.

"Have you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" George Carlin

George was driving down the road when he saw a pig. Surprised at his find he coaxed it into his car and decided to take it to the nearest police station to ask what he should do next. The officer at the front desk thought for a moment and said, "Why don't you take it to the zoo?" George took his advice and left. A week later the same officer was patrolling the streets when he saw George & the pig driving down the road in a convertible, both dressed in summer attire. The officer stopped George and asked, "I thought I told you to take the pig to the zoo?" George replied, "I did. And we had so much fun that today we're going to the beach!"