An Englishmen was taking a walk in the Irish countryside when he saw a lake and decided to take a drink. As he was kneeling down the landowner yelled to him in Gaelic "Don't drink the water. It's contaminated with pig manure." The Englishman replied "I don't understand Gaelic. Could you repeat that in English?" The Irishman replied "If you cup both hands you can get a larger drink."

"The secret to a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible."George Burns

"Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you."Winston Churchill

And then the fight started… My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And then the fight started.

"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement." Mark Twain

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, ‘It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.' " Jack Handy